Tuesday 11 August, 2009A Little about Insecure People in Relationships

Insecure people get very frightened within relationships. Their partner needing some space means to them that they are pulling away; a casual talk with a member of the opposite sex flashes danger in one’s head.  Being late can be interpreted as a loss of interest; a wrong number or hang-up can be seen as someone else being on the scene. No matter what the scenario, an insecure person can always see any change from routine as a threat to the relationship.

This of course, limits the relationship as well as hindering the personal growth of each person within the relationship. Boundaries and knowing one’s own limits is one thing: placing rules, regulations and prison walls in order to try and keep the relationship safe is another. It’s a sad fact that many insecure people actually hasten the ruin of their relationship in their desperate attempt to hang on to it.

It’s my opinion that many insecure people are, in fact, loving people who, for reasons that we don’t know of upfront, have had cause to be anxious. This reality would not label them insecure but realistic. Past relationships, past histories, past family interactions all contribute to who we are and how we feel now.

Insecure people fight twice as hard to appear normal to those that they are interested in and rarely does anyone but another insecure person understand the amount of effort that just appearing normal takes.

I rarely see in print or hear in conversation that insecure people-or people who are insecure-are just as lovable and capable of anyone else of having a relationship. What we do hear and read about is that an insecure person will suck you dry with their needs. Needy people are often interpreted as losers and why, a friend might scoff, would you want to be with her/him?  But because no one can explain to another how and why we fall for someone, often a confident person will fall for an insecure one and try like hell to understand and comfort them with the force of their care. And the insecure person, grateful for this show of love but distrustful of why they are being offered it so keenly, will be the first to withdraw and pull away, confusing not only themselves but their partner as well. It’s an undeniably painful cycle that many hope will magically disappear once they meet someone new.

But patterns of behavior don’t just leave and meeting someone new will not guarantee any difference in the insecure person’s deep inner feelings: so if you are the insecure person wanting a new relationship, I would ask that you be very aware of your emotions as you reach out to communicate with another. Someone new coming into your life will not wash away past inner wounds; but they can offer you a glimpse into what possibly may turn into a rewarding relationship if you take away the expectation that this person will be the one to rescue you from yourself.