Tuesday 13 October, 2009A Little Something about Coping Tools

When things get tough within my present long-term relationship, I turn to playing backgammon on the web, eating too much and increasing my watching of movies. My baths grow longer and more often. I spend more time alone. Sometimes I lie on my bed and stare out the window at the golden orange light flooding the room during a late afternoon sunset. Sometimes I daydream about others and find myself falling into “little crushes.” Sometimes I’ll just leave the house and go to the beach or the local reservoir. Once in a while, I may hug my pillow to me or I’ll wrap my arms around myself in an effort to tell myself that everything will be okay.

A friend of mine, who has been married for umpteen years and is a professional with a very well known IT company, hops on a plane and goes visit her best friend in a neighboring state whenever she really feels the need to get away. If it’s really bad she’ll take that plane to Europe and use up some of her frequent flier miles. Or else she’ll get into a “fit” kind of thinking and start walking or swimming more regularly.

An Irish male acquaintance, who works at a high level in the security field for high profile people, spends many extra hours visiting an old job after his regular shift ends, often going out afterwards to an all night diner.   

An English male friend, who builds spectacular houses, finds new projects around the house to become involved in, and if nothing is needed to be done, will create new projects with his car or boat, leaving him to be involved and separate once he gets home. Not too mention staying on the job longer when the weather is fair and ‘hanging out with the boys.’

A close female friend, who has a doctorate in clinical psychology, increases her visits to the salon in getting pedicures; spends too much when she can ill afford to, and hits the liquor store more frequently on the way home from visiting Blockbuster.

We all have our ways of coping within a relationship.

Coping within a relationship is a necessary tool for many of us. Many of us have felt those long empty hours stretch before us when silence or anger has reared its head and plans made have now altered. If it’s a weekend and plans had been made, and you’re now alone, you’d better have some other outlets. Sometimes, I’ve found, it is only when a conflict arises and we have more time to ourselves, that we realize we don’t have any other outside interests to lose ourselves in.

Why develop coping tools? Because tension and anxiety are a part of being involved with another human being and since we don’t throw people away as easily as we do our trash, it is the wise person who understands that having something outside of the loved one to involve one’s self in, keeps us sane.