Friday 6 November, 2009Acceptance not Approval

I’ve often been so bored within relationships that I’ve left good men behind. I didn’t understand at the time that I can’t look to my partner to keep me entertained. It’s up to me to build my own life, to make my own fun, to maintain my own relationships separate from ‘ours.’ Making my relationship ‘the everything’ while letting go of everything else is a sure fire way for boredom to set in and have you appear to be the most uninteresting person on the planet.

I used to think that it was up to my partner to complete me. If I wanted to do an activity that he didn’t, then I wouldn’t go. A few times of this is fine and even normal but over a period of time, this can become quite frustrating. Frustration with him is what I would experience until resentment would set in. Resentment that he wouldn’t do what I wanted do. Resentment that he wouldn’t change for me. Resentment that I would do things for him but he wouldn’t for me. “Hey,” I would think to myself, “when is it my turn? Shouldn’t he be proving his love to me as I do for him?”

Bad thinking--and typical of countless females of all ages to think.

Turn it around for a moment. Would you really want to date someone who needed you to complete them? Would you really want to have to feel like the person you’re with can’t or won’t have any fun unless you plan or provide it all? That independent of you, he can’t do anything for himself in the way of activities or outside social interests?

How about the “I won’t go unless he goes” thing? Girls-wake up. Go anyway. Keep your girlfriends close while you’re dating or loving someone and go anyway. You enjoy it? Then go. You’ve asked him and he’s not interested? Okay. Still go. He gets mad that you’re going? Okay. So stay home a couple of times. That’ll get old fast. Then get your butt outside that door.

Don’t ever change what you like to do just because you’re dating someone or living with someone who has no interest in it.


What interests us is what makes us unique individuals and what we do in our free time is often more a reflection of who we really are than the work that we do to earn a living. Giving up this part of ourselves for anyone, to prove that we love them is about the biggest mistake that we can make. Just as is asking someone else to give up something to prove to us that they care about us. It’s not the way to connect with someone and grow closer. It is however, an excellent way to create distance and anger within the relationship.  

If you’ve been asking someone to change for you, stop. If someone has been asking you to change for them, rethink this.  You want acceptance, not approval, don’t you?