Do you speak body language?
It takes only a split second for your feelings to show on your face. Even if you've developed the coolest poker face in the game, you can't control that first flicker of response. But never mind; the speed of thought is quicker than the eye. Right?
Recent studies have found that people form an impression of you at first sight, in another flicker of a fraction of a second. They don't even have to see something clearly to get a feeling about it—specifically, whether it attracts them or not.
But not to worry. Such fleeting sensations are flimsy, ephemeral—easily adjusted. All you need is a minute or two, a smile, a good opening line, and you're in like Flynn. Right?
Not so fast, Slick.
Those first impressions can stick to you like glue, no matter how smooth your line is. The problem is, it's what you don't say that tells people more than half of what they think they know about you. It also tells them plenty of what you think about yourself.
Body language is the lingua franca of the dating game. You wear it like a signboard, whether you think about it or not, so it's a good idea to know if yours says Kiss Me or Kick Me.
The first rule of body grammar is this: the better you feel about yourself, the more attractive you are. When you're comfortable in your own skin, you're more relaxed, so you tend to put the people around you at ease. You stand straighter and taller. You're more balanced.
Don't think that doesn't matter. A lot. Balance makes you look symmetrical. Symmetry is a powerful indication of the ability of your genes to achieve the body they were aiming for, and that translates as health and desirability. Study after study has proved that symmetrical faces are usually judged more attractive. Believe it or not, there's even a correlation between a man's symmetry and women's attraction to his body odour and voice—even when they can't consciously see the difference.
So you're feeling pretty good, you're standing straight and solid. What else do you have to worry about?
Rule number two: pay attention. Much of the confusion between the sexes happens when we don't understand or even think about those nonverbal signals.
For example, if you're trying your opening gambit and the lady stands with her body pointed away from you—even if she's looking you straight in the eye—she'd really rather be someplace else. If you're sitting down, crossed legs can mean the same thing. Notice whether the other person's leg points toward you or away from you.
If their arms are crossed, it's a safe bet they aren't buying your story. Is the lady hugging herself? She's not necessarily cold; she may just feel cool toward you. On the other hand, she may feel insecure or threatened. Either way, you're not getting through.
Watch yourself, next time you're in a group. Odds are, you'll catch yourself doing the same things. But though you may be telling everybody what you really think of them (even though you didn't mean to), you also have the key to changing the way they think about you.
This is how it works: next time you want to connect with somebody, simply copy their body language. Don't be obvious; just casually mirror their position. If she props her chin on her hand, you lean your head on your fist. If she pulls on her earlobe, you scratch your ear. Try crossing your legs in the same direction.
The fact is, you probably do this naturally when you're talking with someone you already know and like. (Check it out sometime.) But you can encourage that connection with anyone you meet, if you just pay attention.
Let's say you're dealing with somebody who's less than receptive. Their arms are crossed, and they're leaning away from you. Go ahead: mirror their body language. Not comfortable? That's okay; keep it up for a minute. Now, quietly shift position. Lean forward. Uncross your arms. Chances are, the other person will unconsciously follow your lead.
Presto! Without noticing, they're feeling more open. You're even starting to look better. You're connecting!
You see? Now admit it: Mom was right all along. You've just got to remember to stand up straight!
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