Dating Articles
Wednesday 25 March, 2009Bi Chance? Part I: Understanding Bisexuality in our Society
Women are typically more affectionate than men. Holding hands, overt displays of public physical touching and hugging are more accepted without judgment woman-to-woman than they are man-to-man. These types of behaviors from women are not as likely to elicit comments from observers as they would from men.
Same gender contact among males is historically discouraged and could be noted as one of the more insidious cultural taboos in our modern society. Males are raised to suppress emotions (“if you cry you’re a sissy”), be tough (“no pain, no gain”) and maintain a modicum of “manliness” in every life situation. The question is: is this natural? And why is it so different for women?
When asked if a man or woman has ever had any type of sexual experience with their same gender any time in their lives, a vast majority of people will admit that around the age of puberty, they had had such clandestine occurrences. Curiosity at that age was acted upon. Why then, is it rendered as “taboo” when it is a “natural human” behavior?
Is it any wonder so many men are “homophobic?” If a man’s deep-seated self-conception is based on society’s belief that he might be considered “gay” if he shows emotion or affection, is it a surprise that by the age of 40 many males develop dual identities? One being the “normal straight” hubby at home, the other being the “bi-curious” male when he can fit it into his game plan.
I can’t tell you how many hundreds of times I have been asked to be present during a male-to-male experience with men who want to explore this side of their psyches. In their minds, they felt that if a woman was not present, it might mean that they were “gay or bi.” These otherwise “straight” males desperately want to suck or be sucked by another man, just to see how it feels. Their biggest fear, however, is that this will mean they are no longer straight, which shatters their lifelong self-concept.
Frankly gentlemen, a lot of women will admit that watching two men sucking each other is a BIG turn on. Similarly for men, watching two women eat each other is practically every man’s fantasy. But some of the most homophobic men are those who enjoy watching women together. This double standard is irrational since there is no justification for this perception other than some arbitrary social standards for what is “right” which has little or no basis. In other words, why is it okay for one gender and not for the other?
Women, on the other hand, have considerably less “ego” about this. Although some “bi” women tell me that to have sex with another woman is an absolutely wonderful and fulfilling experience, they also tell me that “one has to have a natural propensity for such. If you find that you are leering at women’s butts the same way you are looking at men’s butts or if you have fantasies about ‘same-sex’ experiences, you are probably a “natural” for being bi” (male or female). If not, it might be that you are simply straight in your naturalness and the whole idea turns you off.
Women certainly have no emotional hang-ups linked to this behavior as men do. We are not worried that we will be considered “less womanly” if we engage in sex with our own gender. Sadly, this double standard is reserved for men alone.
Let’s face it; sexual energy is sexual energy. If you are in a situation where everyone present is sensually charged and having fun, going with the flow, giving pleasure, receiving pleasure and allowing the energy to take you on an ecstatic ride, are you going to pull out because of some societal belief that you are bi? I think not.
After attending several “Sex, Love and Intimacy” workshops facilitated by the Human Awareness Institute in California, I learned that when people have healed their preconceived notions about their own sexuality, they no longer cling to the need to define themselves as “straight” to be okay. If a person enjoys sexual energy, experiencing pleasure and feels personally powerful, defining and therefore limiting one’s sexual orientation is no longer imperative.
Being “open-minded” sexually brings with it an innovative perspective as well as broadens your opportunity base to experience sex in a new light. Imagine a world where “judgments” about sexual behaviors cease to exist. Would you be more fulfilled? Would you do things that you otherwise would never have considered? If you knew that no one really cared whether you were straight or bi or gay, would you then be able to fully explore your sexuality? What a concept!
So how does one go about breaking down the barriers to become “sexually open?” First and foremost, get “in truth” with yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you define your “okay-ness” by your sexual orientation?
2. Do you need to have others’ approval to be intrinsically okay?
3. Do you REALLY think if people judge you one way, this undermines your own “truth” about who you really are?
4. Do you believe that if you have feelings or even fantasies about experiencing sex with the same gender you are “perverted” or gay?
If you answered “yes” to any or all of these questions, I guarantee you are woefully unfulfilled, not only in your sex life, but in your entire life-experience.
Secondly, know that you are like millions of others who get to a point in their lives when they ask themselves “Is this all there is?” Asking this question is usually a turning point and sets in motion a myriad of cues that motivate an individual to “take action” to evolve their thinking. In many cases, one’s sex life is the area where the question most often manifests this dilemma. Because so many people value sex so highly and use it as their ultimate form of feeling “self-love,” sexual problems may arise that usually correlate to our whole life situation.
Take a barometer reading on your “true” feelings and pinpoint where in your mind, you are acquiescing to societal pressures about your sexuality. Then determine the level of importance this holds for you at this time in your life. You might just “free” your psyche by making it “okay” to take the appropriate actions that feel “right” to YOU.