Saturday 25 April, 2009Can You ‘Date’ Someone Who’s Married?

So you placed an ad or answered one. You’re married, so is the other person. People have asked me with puzzlement: “Am I now ‘dating?’ Can I be ‘dating’ someone who’s married?”  

I found the question interesting and out of curiosity, I went to the dictionary to look up the specifics on the word “dating.” All it said was: to go out on a date.  “Okay,” I thought. “Then I guess that dating is what it is.” And I went back and reported the answer.

But then I found out that it doesn’t feel like dating to a lot of people. For many of them it doesn’t even feel right to use the word dating. “So what do you call it then?” I inquired. And these were some of the answers I got: hooking up, meeting, fuck buddy, affair, special friendship, arrangement, involvement, fuck-a-thon.  Any word, it seems, but dating. Dating seems to be reserved for two single people. At least, that’s what appears to be the accepted norm. 

A lot of people who step out of their relationship to pursue something with someone else are not doing it to woo you, court you, or make you fall in love with them. They’re there for specific reasons; you’re there for specific reasons. If dating is what you truly want: to be wooed and courted and feel the anticipation of falling in love, becoming involved with someone who’s married and just desiring a fuck buddy is probably not your best choice. But if you are coming together for reasons that you both agree on and you both know and understand the rules, then no matter what it’s called, that’s between the two of you.