Monday 23 March, 2009Dating Count Dracula

If you're skeptical, think of it as a metaphor. You've met people like this, no matter how you explain what they do. They might seem sexier, more exciting, charming, or successful than other people. Their desire for your company or conversation is enchanting ~ at first.
 
But after a while ~ a date, a phone call, a business meeting ~ you notice a feeling of discomfort. Frankly, you're drained. Your energy has been sucked right out of you. Maybe you feel anxious, vaguely irritated, downright angry, or depressed. Sometimes it's hard to tell exactly what hit you; other times, you have a pretty good idea what's poked a hole in your happiness. Either way, this person has become a major pain in the neck.
 
Just like the legendary bloodsucker, this vampire feeds on your energy, your life force. And like the hapless victim in the movies, you are in danger. You may be seduced; you may be manipulated. You will be used. You may fight back, but unless you're another Buffy, you can't win. The vampire has abilities you don't.
 
The reason is simple ~ the vampire has lost the ability to identify with other people's feelings. In that sense, he's numb. He's lost his soul, and he's consumed by the desire to fill the void. He'll do whatever it takes to suck you in.
 
Because he doesn't identify with your feelings, he won't play fair. He doesn't think the basic rules of social behavior apply to him. Rules about getting along and cooperating that we learned as we grew up, we take for granted. But when someone you care about doesn't play by the same rules you do, you're blindsided. 
 
The vampire makes his own rules. Rule number one: he is the official center of the universe. This is the defining characteristic of all vampires, of every ilk and guise. Rule number two: there are no other rules.
 
What should you look for? The sexy lover who's somehow never there for you; the drama queen who's always on stage; the bully who's never wrong; these are easy to spot. Others lurk in the shadows or change shape at will. The friend who phones every day ("You're the only one I can talk to!") but never has time to listen to you; the one who lives for your approval, appreciation, and ~ not incidentally ~ help, but returns little and shares none. None of them is ever responsible if something goes wrong, and they all tend to get angry when they don't get what they want.
 
If you find when you part company that you're wrung out and bone tired; if you hang up the phone and want to scream and pour a stiff drink; if spending time together leaves you confused, tense, depressed, or headachy.
 
The best defense is to stay away. Sure, you can visualize protective walls or bubbles of light around yourself. You can carry crystal amulets or perform spells involving running water or become proficient with wooden stakes. But you can only minimize the energy drain by refusing to engage. You can't play by his rules, because he hasn't got any. So don't play.
 
Don't kid yourself. You can't reform a vampire. You can't fill the emptiness he keeps inside. If he says he'll change, remind yourself that to do that, he'd have to take responsibility for his actions and admit his shortcomings, and (here's the catch) he can't see them. (No reflection in the mirror)
 
What he can do is eat up your attention, your concern, your energy, and your love, at the same time depleting your confidence, self-respect, and stamina, until you're utterly used up. Then he'll move on to his next meal.
 
Next time, cook with lots of garlic!