Thursday 11 June, 2009Deserving Your Own Compassion

I received a disturbing email last night.

It was from a woman who said her husband had contacted me and other women without her knowing about it. As I had sent nothing back but an email addressed to the both of them (it had been signed with both their names) thanking them for introducing themselves and making nice comments on the blog that I participate in, I felt no guilt for having had that short correspondence. But I felt bad for her. I felt empathy for the wife who, in her long email to me, blamed herself for the pain her husband was causing her.

It seems that she (the wife) had originally posted an ad looking for another woman to join her and her husband so that he could fulfill one of his fantasies. But as I read through her email, I discovered that she wasn’t taking this action so that she and her husband, together, could enjoy and share a possible pleasant experience.

She was doing it to get his attention. 

On a daily basis, she feels he ignores her and dismisses a great portion of her thoughts and feelings as being of no importance. In trying to gain his attention, it is her thinking that if she introduces another female into their home and bedroom, that in turn, this will make him feel grateful to her for loving him so much; and from that, he would start showering her with the love and affection she has been missing and craving for so long.

It’s a vicious, self-destructive cycle and in my opinion, far too many women understand these feelings and thinking.

To fall into the pit of trying your hardest to be your best so that someone you love will love you in return, is like trying to save yourself from being swallowed up by a deep, black hole.

You can’t make someone love you.

It hurts my heart because I understand much about the trying to make someone love you.

How many of us have tried?

It’s a painful experience to wake up every day and spend the greater part of those hours of your life trying to adjust your actions and words and thoughts and behaviors in the hopes of capturing the attention of the man that you are loving.

Many of us have tried and tried and tried yet again, to become a better person; a better wife; a better girlfriend. “If I could only get it right, then he’ll love me,” is often the common thought. Aren’t we the nurturing and forgiving sex?

 Bringing another person into your relationship with the hopes it will improve or repair that relationship is often a misguided attempt that backfires for many couples. It’s important for you to remember that if you see or sense a particular action is going to hurt you, don’t do it. Even in the name of love. Maybe especially in the name of love.

Practice self care. You deserve your own compassion.