Tuesday 15 September, 2009Good Intent yet Miscommunication

I was talking today with someone who has been married for the past fourteen years. He says that his wife has become uncommunicative with him in the past few months and that he is tired of having to spend a half an hour or more trying to get her to talk to him. Since this is something that I do with my own partner at home-trying to get him to talk to me-I understood his frustration. Still, I asked him if he says anything that clams her up even more.

“Well, I do tell her that I have a girlfriend, so if she has a boyfriend, she should just tell me,” he said.

“Are you serious?” I asked him in disbelief. “You said that to your wife?”

“Oh, she knows I’m just joking,” he said. “I thought it would make her laugh.” Then, as an afterthought, he added: “She didn’t find it very funny, though.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head, “I imagine she wouldn’t...or any other girl for that matter.”

So here’s an illustration of intent and miscommunication. Obviously, if this man is following his wife around the house for a half an hour trying to get her to talk to him, then he cares about her. Yet to try and get her to open up by making a joke that plays on her natural fears and insecurities is not the way to establish a trusting bond. His intention was good, but the manner in which he went about trying to get a reaction from her was a bust. It’s something that happens to a lot of people. 

How many of us start a conversation with our partner only to end up in a shouting match or freezing one another out? Surely our intention was to help things along, not create further distance and chaos.  It’s hard to check the words that spring to our lips when we feel that we are putting out an awful lot of energy in trying to get someone we care about to talk to us.

Resentment starts to build after while and we wonder: “Why do I have to work so hard at getting her/him to talk to me? What’s going on here??” And because we’re human beings also, it’s understandable when the wrong words fly out.

So in the end, what can one do? I think we need to check in with ourselves first and see if we really do want to hear what the other person in our life has to say. Then, if we find that we do, we need to make a commitment to ourselves that we are going to listen. Not think we know what they are going to say, not interrupt with little witticism’s or jokes because we’re trying to lighten the mood…but really pay attention.  We’re going to remember that perhaps part of our partner’s reluctance to talk may be because of our reaction; and if that’s true, that is something that we can improve upon.