Wednesday 29 April, 2009Home Loyalties from a Man’s Point of View

In my inbox today I received a note from a man who expressed his gratitude at my writing about what he terms “home loyalties.” Since this has come up before, I thought I would take the time to broach this subject-combined from the viewpoint of two married men I’ve come across just this week who shared similar feelings of hesitation when the time for making true contact had arrived.

It has surprised me greatly that more than one man on this site has expressed to me the very unexpected feelings and emotional reactions they experienced once the time came for actually meeting someone. Actually, to tell you the truth, I’m surprised that any male hesitated. Why? I guess I was just of the belief that any man who came onto a site and started searching, much less made the initial greeting, would pull back. Now I am learning differently.

Picture a man who places a personal ad stating that he’d like to find one woman to develop a discreet and steady affair with. He is in his office only part time, then traveling the remainder of the time and relies on his laptop.  He has thought about this for years and scanned sites before but never got close enough to pursue. He’s married and has kids. He still loves his wife. He has no intention of breaking up his family. But he feels lonely, rejected and unappealing to his spouse. And he just can’t take feeling the lack of intimacy-which ranged from handholding to kissing to sex-anymore. 

So he sends you an email and you begin corresponding back and forth. He is never pushy, never overly sexual in any over-the-top way. He completely respects your boundaries and hopes that you respect his. A few weeks go by and you meet. He takes you to lunch, once, twice, three times. The fourth time you meet for dinner. You end up returning to his hotel room and you proceed to be a bit more intimate then either you or he intended for that night. He is so glad you are there with him, so undemanding and eager to please you. He doesn’t want you to leave but you have to.  Giving one another a tender kiss goodbye, you can see on his face his desire to see you again. You think to yourself: “you know, maybe next time I’ll go further..”

Two days pass. You don’t hear from him, which is puzzling. You toss the idea back and forth and then finally send him an email asking if he’s okay and telling him you enjoyed the evening with him. No response. Then on the fifth day you receive an email stating that he’d been unprepared for the emotions that hit him once he’d been lying alone on his hotel bed. He apologizes sincerely, assures you that in no means was it you and chooses to suppress the feelings that having contact with a woman he liked brought to the surface.

When this happens, it’s very real. So what should you do?

You let him go. You understand that this is a possible reaction when you meet someone who has not been with anyone outside of his marriage. You try not to take it personally and you wish him well in your mind.  You respect his wishes as you’d like yours to be if you were in his shoes. Then you go on. And who knows?  Perhaps he’ll be back.