Wednesday 11 February, 2009Liar, liar, pants on fire!

You can't smell the smoke. You can't see if his nose grows like Pinocchio's with every email. It could be that her eyes shift and her lip twitches each time she IMs you. You simply can't be sure if they are who they say they are. Or can you?

Deception is easy on the Internet. That may be the one real drawback to online dating. But paranoia is not the proper response. Neither is devil-may-care unconcern. A little perspective, a bit of common sense, and you should be able to tell who's a friend and who's a phony.

First, some perspective. Why the lie?

Deception is rampant throughout the animal kingdom, from camouflage to fool predators, to mimicry and impersonation to trap tonight's dinner. But that's life-and-death stuff. Why do people play games with the truth when they don't have to?

Actually, most people don't. In the world of online dating, most people are looking for an intimate relationship. Especially if they're looking forward to a face-to-face meeting, they want to be open and honest. (Sure, some people read online personal ads for entertainment or because they want to get into some erotic chat fantasy. But they have no intention of meeting anybody in the flesh.)

In fact, just as computerized conversation makes for easy lying, it also makes it so much easier to reveal your deepest secrets and truest self. It's a lot like sitting side by side in a car: reassuringly close and private, without the uncomfortable scrutiny of direct eye contact—and with more time to get the words right.

Okay, so some people lie anyway. They get off on it. They do it because it gives them a sense of power or superiority. Sometimes they don't even know why they do it—it's compulsive. But most people don't.

One research study, which surveyed several thousand online daters, found that the most common misrepresentation was age (14 percent), followed by appearance (10 percent) and marital status (10 percent, and slightly more men than women). That's about one person out of ten.

Often, people fudge certain information, especially age, simply to avoid being filtered out by search parameters. It's even considered socially acceptable, if they come clean about it later on. That being so, if people don't lie about their age, they may feel they're at a disadvantage. The perception that others are stretching the truth may compel some people to exaggerate themselves, just to stay in the running.

But a lot of what seems like deception isn't intended to mislead at all.

Everyone wants to be liked, of course. It's natural to put your best traits forward when you're trying to snag a date or find a mate. So how do people handle the need to make themselves look good and yet remain honest and accurate?

One way is to describe themselves as they intend to be. Obviously, this isn't strictly honest, but sometimes it works. For instance, some people misrepresent their weight, then use that as motivation to slim down before meeting their date in the flesh.

Others throw caution to the winds and describe themselves with utter sincerity. Only, their self-image is so radically skewed, you'd never recognize them in person. They're not lying, mind you. It's just that their mirror is foggy.