Tuesday 14 July, 2009Locations for Sex (part I)

You're with your significant other, in bed, and doing what you usually do in bed when you're not sleeping. But, there's something wrong. You thrust (yawn). You grab (sigh). You lick (boooooring!) What's going on? Is the same old sex in the same old bed putting you into a coma?

There IS a solution! You don’t have to suffer dull intimate relations. One of the easiest ways to spice up the physical side of your romance is to switch locations.

Sex, like a novel, consists of characters, plot, and location. If you're not switching partners, or improving your technique, you're left with changing the locale. But don't be intimidated! You can start slow.

There are an infinite number of positions one can try in any given location. It's up to each couple to decide what's best for themselves. Each couple is like a snowflake, no two are physically the same.

Those first baby steps
The first step is easiest. Next time you're caught in another boring lovemaking session, push your partner onto the floor when they least expect it. The surprise alone might keep your relationship cemented for a few months. Now, before the love of your life is able to protest, pounce!

You see how easy that was? Now we're making love on the floor. (If you're too excited to continue reading, take a breather and come back later. It only gets more intense from here on out.)

We should step back a bit. If your bedroom has wall to wall carpeting, you should be extra cautious of rug-burn. One way to avoid the dreaded sex-crazed rug-rub is to take precautions. The problem, if you're not aware, is that during especially intense lovemaking sessions it's possible to rub yourself raw against a rough environment. The danger is much reduced if love is made in the bed, but when love is practiced in the wild, skin can disappear quickly.

If your bedroom floor is bare wood, you must be careful of impact injuries. A single mistimed thrust could turn your sex from exciting to painful.

Some practitioners of intense, extra-bed sex prefer to remain relatively clothed in order to protect delicate flesh. And, most importantly, if you want to become an expert practitioner of extra-bed sex, you will need to learn how to complete the act fully clothed. For the advanced locations, nudity becomes almost impossible.

But if you're still on the floor of your bedroom and you haven't decided to return to the safety of your bed, and you haven't scraped substantial quantities of skin off your body, and you haven't stubbed a pendulous organ, then you're ready for step two.

The easiest room to migrate to after the bedroom is the living room. This is because lovemaking on a couch is similar to lovemaking on a bed. You can perform many of the same positions. For especially inept beginners, moving from the bed to the couch is not too challenging.

Before moving on from the couch, it would serve you and your lover well to learn how to make love while one of you is sitting up. Advanced locations will necessitate such intricate positions. If you have an easy chair, that is a natural progression. Your horizontal freedom will be limited thus pushing your unorthodox locational-sex-skills to new heights.

The next step is the kitchen. Some would go straight for the bathroom at this stage, but that is a mistake. Although it looks like a logical progression, sex in the shower is tougher than most realize. In fact, that is best saved as the final location before leaving your home. Think of it as graduation. First, you must learn to make love against the refrigerator, the oven, and the sink. The sink is, of course, most difficult in this room of unusual sexual positions.

There are many sink-sex positions to choose from. What you employ depends upon the dimensions of the sink and the couple. Obviously, there are things one can and can't do. Make sure not to slip or bang against the faucet. Accidents can happen.

Once the kitchen sink is mastered, it's a simple matter of moving to the bathroom sink. Oftentimes the bathroom sink is much lower in comparison. The height difference will allow for different positions. Sometimes it's fun to turn on the sink and get a little wet (see Fatal Attraction).

Next, some couples move to making love on top of the toilet. For some, however, a lack of housekeeping skills will make the toilet an extremely unattractive arena for lovemaking. I suggest it be skipped in such circumstances.

If you are intent on making love on the toilet, the sitting positions first learned in the living room may come in handy. If you are extremely ambitious, one partner might actually be able to use the toilet for its intended purpose during the intimate act. There is a high-level of difficulty for this maneuver.

Once inside the shower you will feel a sense of accomplishment. You will have almost learned every skill you'll need to tackle sexual situations in the wider world. But don't neglect the final step. Due to the level of difficulty, most couples will only fondle, soap, and wash each other in the shower. Sex in the shower involves standing and a wet floor. Be very careful. Some couples will retire to the shower floor in order to complete their training. In a smaller shower, leaning against walls can facilitate penetrations of all sorts. Just don't slip!

If you've mastered the fine art of intercourse in every room of the house, in every position, and on every appliance, you are ready to move on. You may want to have a little graduation ceremony. Or not.