Monday 1 September, 2008Looking for Myth-ter Right

I often hear that the Internet is a window into the popular mindset - or "zeitgeist" as arty types like to call it. With this in mind I was curious about what major ideas we're obsessed with.

So I typed "myth" into Google and started surfing. I ended up on some wacky sites, many of which had a creepy, Stephen King-like feel to them.

I discovered that not only were many people obsessed with vampires, werewolves, and a host of other fantastic beings; they were also convinced that they actually were these creatures!

Decide that you are just about any mythical creature under the sun (or moon, for that matter) and there's certain to be a site just for you, replete with message boards, FAQs, and "awoken" counsellors to help you cope with your newfound identity. Some even have personal ads in them!

These in particular intrigued me. My first thought was that many who scour these ads aren't actually "otherkin" themselves. They're just looking for some extra excitement. Passionate women might find a Sasquatch interesting, for instance. After all, you know what they say about men with big feet: they have very big... hearts. (This same rule advises you against attachment to a pixie. They are not only small-footed; they are also extremely elf-indulgent.)

Similarly, women might find vampires sexy, but they're not exactly sensitive - er, except to sunlight, of course. And, after some hot-blooded correspondence, how do you know what your rebellious Vlad-boy will look like? The undead can't can't be photographed, remember. So he won't be able to upload a JPEG to his ad. The best you'll get is an e-mail just before you meet: "How will you know it's me? Well, I'll be the pale guy with the bloodstained shirt sitting in the darkest corner of the café sharpening my fangs with a file."

But these vampire dating problems pale in comparison to involvement with a werewolf:

Shrink: "So, tell me about this lycanthrope you're seeing."

Patient: "Well, being canine, he's faithful, of course. But he's very emotionally unavailable. He's a werewolf, but I need him to be more of a 'here-wolf'. The only way to get his attention is to say, 'I've got a bone to pick with you!' And when he finds out I'm just being metaphorical, he practically bites my head off! Just look at these scars on my scalp."

Shrink: "Interesting... So, do you want to end the relationship?"

Patient: "Of course. But I'm stuck in it because of my financial state. See, I can barely afford a copper ash-tray, let alone a silver bullet!"

Living with a werewolf could be maddening. But becoming one could be worse. Think of what a lycanthropic transformation would do to your bikini line!

And imagine being the werewolf's cousin, a "shapeshifter". As the media keep telling us, women already suffer greatly from body image anxiety. So how would you cope with being a weasel one day and a dolphin the next? And Lara Flynn Boyle thinks she's got problems.

Considering all these drawbacks, I'd say "otherkin" are generally a bad choice for today's women. But there is one mythical creature who stands head, shoulders (and mane) above the rest: the unicorn.

Okay, he's not great at conversation, because he's always horse. But strong silent types are very dependable, and you can ride him to work every day.Best of all, if you file down his horn a bit, he'll give you truly magical head!