Wednesday 24 June, 2009Looking In on Another’s Relationship

How can anyone say what’s right and wrong between two people within a relationship? Isn’t that reserved for the two people who are involved in it?

As I grow older, this is something that I find myself reminding myself of often. It’s a hard thing to remember sometimes and an even harder thing not to comment on, particularly when I see someone I love suffering from the actions from their “special” person. It is so easy to tell someone you care about, who is visibly hurting from whatever relationship he or she is involved in, to let that other person go.

“Push him or her out of your life,” is often the recommended advice from the onlookers. “Can’t you see what he/she is doing to you?”  From my experience, most people don’t want to be told this, even if they know deep down it is true. And to be truthful, whenever I’ve been in this position, I didn’t want to be told either. 

I have a teenage daughter who will be eighteen this year. From the time that she had started the whole relationship thing, I have watched her joy and her pain; and whenever I saw the pain start to seep in, as it always does at some point, my heart hurt for her. In trying to show her my loyalty, I’d take her side, of course. But she cut me off very early on.

“Mom,” she said. “You don’t know the things that have been said or done. I’ve said and done things too, that you don’t know about. So how can anyone comment on someone else’s relationship?”

“But you’re hurting” I answered, respecting her feelings and her perception but still wanting to make her smile again. “And I want to help.” She softened her tone a little and gave me a hug but her message and words were clear: “Back off. You might know a lot but this is something that I have to go through myself.”  And I couldn’t disagree with that kind of logic because she was right.

From the outside looking in, it seems apparent to many of us when a certain person should not be involved in the life of someone that we deeply care about. And it’s hard to watch someone lose their gaiety and to see the sadness start crossing their face. But-it’s their life. They chose. So what’s one to do?

From my own experience I’ve learned: not very much. I can listen and offer my silent sympathy if there are tears. Biting my lip can be hard and is most definitely so when it’s my own child. But I’ve found even in my adult friends, they have a sense of what is right and wrong for them. They know when something isn’t working for them. They just aren’t ready yet to make the move from a relationship that is no longer working to the possibility of finding one that does. And that truly is, up to the person involved.