Thursday 15 January, 2009Profile power: Putting your best self forward

You're not a predator, right? You're not here to hoodwink anybody. Sure, everybody looks forward to a little action . . . maybe a lot of action. But let's assume you want to find someone special to get busy with, someone who's just right for you.

For the moment, forget about photos. Of course appearance matters—you want to click on all levels. But face it: the world is swarming with beautiful people. And just what makes 'em beautiful? They come very, very close to matching some cultural ideal. The closer people come to that ideal, the more they look alike—cookie-cutter people. Generic humans. What's so special about that?

But you're unique. Your experiences, your ideas, your dreams, are altogether your own. You may be beautiful, too, but that's not what makes you special. The profile you post online is like a snapshot of your heart and mind. It's at least as important as any photo.

So where do you start?

Most people have a hard time describing themselves honestly and feeling comfortable with it. Most often, they trip over their own modesty and fall flat, or else they blow so much hot air, it steams up the mirror. Either way, you can't see what they're really like.

Can you see yourself clearly? Height, weight, coloring, age, are simply facts. If these things matter to you, then that is the fact that counts most, not the details. The way you see (and describe) yourself has a tremendous effect on the impression you make. Are you reed-slim and slender, voluptuous, sturdy, strong, in vibrant health, built for comfort? Tall as a supermodel? Streamlined for speed?

Whatever you do, though, be honest. You can't hide the facts forever. Keep in mind, the Internet seines the whole world; that's a lot of ocean and billions of fish—all shapes, sizes, and colors. You've got plenty of chances to catch the attention of those who'll like you just as you are.

In fact, you can start there. What's your favorite fish? What kind of person do you imagine sharing in your future? Somebody with a great sense of humor? (Stand-up comic or circus clown?) Devoted to family, ready to raise kids? Deeply religious? Zealously political? Professionally committed? Intellectually curious? Physically active?

Are you describing yourself? Great! If these are things you care deeply about, you'll want your match to care about them, too. Take the time to think about the things that matter most to you. Don't worry about sounding like an oddball, either. You'll find more than enough like-minded oddballs to start your own league.

Now get more specific. Do you have a hobby? (Why do you collect boxfuls of rocks?) Do you love to read? (Nineteenth-century whodunits? Medieval poetry?) Like animals? (Just how many rabbits do you keep in the house? Do they get along with the cockatoos?) Do you go fishing every chance you get but refuse to eat fish? It would be perfect if you met someone who already shares your passion for heirloom vegetable seeds or prehistoric spiral motifs, but you've really got to be upfront about that spare room full of nothing but shoes, or the vivarium of snakes in the cellar. You don't have to go into detail. Just say you're proud of your mounted lepidoptera or 6,000 reggae records (vinyl, original covers). That should be enough.

It's harder to describe your own temperament. Are you laid back, happy-go-lucky, slightly goofy? Serious, quiet, responsible? Do you smile all the time? Can't resist a challenge? Keen on practical jokes?

This is where your friends and family can help. Ask them—several of them, if you can take the scrutiny—to tell you what they like about you. Obviously, you'll only ask people who do like you. But even they will have a more objective view of you than you have of yourself. So what if they're fully aware of your annoying habit of chewing each bite of food exactly 42 times? They like you anyway. Isn't that what you're looking for in a new honey?

Okay, you've figured out your strengths and thrown in your worst quirk to balance the picture (and to weed out anybody that would end up hating you for it). You've described your interests and passions. You've modestly listed the things your friends say they like about you. (Hey, it's okay! They promised to be candid, right?) You've been honest, truthful, and honest.

Only one thing's left, then. Who do you want to meet? What attributes are rock-bottom deal breakers for you? Beyond the usual stuff—nonsmoker or smoker; drinks, drugs, diet; hetero, gay, bi; gotta be bigger/smaller than you; gotta be a certain shade of puce, pink, or parti—some things can't be changed and can't be lived with.

One of the worst mistakes you can make is to assume that you can change anyone but yourself. If you've ever tried to break a habit or go on a diet, you know how hard that can be, even when you want it badly. When it comes to someone else, you may be trying to squelch something that's been a part of their personality since diaper days. Think they might fight it?

If you believe people should have as many children as possible, you need a woman who wants babies. If you think that women are every bit as intelligent and capable as men are, you want to meet a man who agrees. If it drives you up a wall when somebody mocks another's speech or cracks demeaning jokes, then tolerance should be high on your list of qualifications.

Skip that bit about liking piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. It reveals little more than an occasional lapse of judgment. Stick with the stuff that makes you crazy and the things you're crazy about. Be honest. Check your spelling. (You do mean business, don't you?)

Now post it! Then go find some good photos to add.