Sunday 30 August, 2009Right Words, Wrong Man

Last night I sat across the table from a man who confessed to me that he’s been in love with me for almost twenty-one years. While this may sound extremely romantic to some of you, believe me, there is nothing romantic about having someone tell you such a thing when you don’t return the affection. And I don’t. I just don’t feel the same way.

I wish I did though, for he says and does alot of what I want from a man. He calls me ‘darlin’ in front of other people; doesn’t take his eyes off me to stare at other women and truly thinks that I am beautiful. He likes hugging and kissing and walking hand-in-hand places. He understands much of my struggles, admires me and he actually likes to converse. I know, I can already hear some of you screaming at me: “I’ll take him! What is wrong with you?”

What is wrong is that I feel no desire to walk hand-in-hand with him or kiss him or be intimate with him. And that says it all for me.

How many of us need to feel a physical attraction, a sexual hunger for the person we fall in love with? I’m not talking about a sexual obsession-compulsion kind of thing either, the way I used to think when I was in my younger years.....I’m talking about that unseen energy that makes you want to be with that person in an intimate way. I want to feel my heart beating along with the person I’m with, not just be there while I can feel another’s heart beating for me. Any other way just doesn’t feel right to me.

I share this with you because in my loneliest times, I have read descriptions about men that other women have written or complained about: and I too, have been one of those women who have said out loud: “What is wrong with you? I’d take him in a minute!” But here it is happening to me, and all I can say to those women are: “I tried, I really did, but that feeling just isn’t there.” And there’s not much a woman can do after that.

It’s hell for any woman who is looking to share her heart and life with someone, to be confronted with many of the qualities that one desire’s to find in a man, only to find that it comes in a man that there is no desire for. I have found trying to love someone who loves me in a different way than I do them, to be a discomforting and awkward experience. But I have to be honest with myself, even though I often am lonely. It’s my belief that we should all be more honest with ourselves and not just accept a love that’s offered us, if we know instinctively that we can’t respond to it. I truly believe that it is better to be alone that to do that to another person.