Dating, déjà vu?
Is anything worse than the end of a long-term relationship? You feel as though somebody died. Maybe your partner; certainly, the relationship itself. You probably feel kind of dead inside, yourself.
You've been through all the stages: denial and loneliness, anger, fighting to keep things as they were, depression when you can't. Maybe some guilt. Finally, you give it all up: you accept the fact that you're not half of a couple anymore. You're a whole single. On your own again.
That's when it hits you. Single means dating. Again.
Are you thrilled? All revved up and ready to go? Or do you feel like a deer caught in headlights?
Buck up! Even if your long-ago dating experience was about as much fun as chewing glass, it doesn't mean history has to repeat on you. Or maybe you loved dating and had a grand old time, but that was sooo long ago, and you liked being a couple, and who's got the energy anymore anyway? Please. Unless you plan on moving to a desert island or a cave in the Himalayas, you're going to be surrounded by people every day. You'll talk with people, work with people—maybe even enjoy being around one or two of them. Maybe one or two will enjoy being around you. You might grab lunch with a coworker, a cup of coffee after the gym, pizza and a beer after class . . . Oops! You're dating again.
Rule 1: Don't rush it.
Don't think you want another "serious" relationship for a while? Just wanna have fun? Or—let's face it—are you just plain, friggin' HORNY?
Rule 2: Learn the ropes—again.
You may think of the "sexual revolution" as an historical event, when general availability of birth-control pills kicked off an orgy of experimentation and "free love" during the 1960s and 1970s. But a lot more has happened in just the last couple of decades.
For example, sex toys are hot. Lots of people enjoy them now, not only solo, but on play dates with a partner. If you've never seen one before, let alone tried one out, you may want to get used to the idea. You may also find that a new partner enjoys anal sex. Don't be surprised—it's always been around, though no one used to talk about it much. Since HIV and AIDS hit the scene, though, people started talking . . . people got interested. So here's where you really have to pay attention:
Rule 3: Play it safe.
The booby trap is in thinking that you—or your new partner—always know when you're sick. You don't. STDs sometimes cause no symptoms at all. Even if you were in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for decades, the only sexual behavior you can be absolutely certain of is your own. And the only way to be absolutely certain of your own health, as well as the health of your new partner, is to be tested.
Luckily, that's another thing
See? Simple as 1–2–3. Sure, it can be painful at first. But dating again (after all these years!) doesn't have to be hard or scary. Think of all the pleasures that await, once you get get started. Just don't be like that poor deer, paralyzed by the bright lights. Take your time, look both ways, and you'll be off and running!
that's changed in recent years. Now it's easier than ever to get tested. Drug stores sell home test kits that let you stick your finger for a tiny sample of blood to send to a lab. It's all very anonymous; you call a toll-free number to hear your results. Of course, you can always visit a nearby clinic or ask your regular doctor or gynecologist for help. Don't be shy! Your doctor should approve of your being tested. If not, find a new doctor. The last thing you need right now is disapproval, and you certainly don't deserve it! You've probably thought, at least a little, about the possibility of getting HIV from having unprotected sex. Maybe you've also considered genital herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, amd syphilis.
If you're smart, you've learned to love latex—condoms are your best protection against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). That's for oral sex, too. Any exchange of body fluids can give you something skanky. Even if you've been around the block way more than once, if you've been out of the game for a few years, you should know that the rules have changed. Game play involves a lot more than who calls whom, who pays, and whether you should hold the door open or pull out the chair. (That comes back to Rule 1: however you play it, respect yourself, respect your date, and you'll do fine. When in doubt, ask!)
Let's repeat that: Don't rush it. You're not damaged goods, and you don't have to prove that to anybody. In fact, anyone who'd think so is nobody you want to be around. Be glad you have some extra time right now to get to know yourself again—indulge your likes, explore your interests, discover what you really want out of life . . . for yourself. This will make it a whole lot easier for the right person to recognize you as a potential soul mate.