How to fight fair and win anyway
Lovers' quarrel. Marital spat. The Battle of the Sexes. The War Between Men and Women. Why is it that intelligent adults of the same species, even those that love each other, have so much trouble communicating?
The truth is, disagreements with your Significant Other don't have to escalate into all-out, knock-down, drag-out prizefights. Not if you learn the "sweet science" of fighting fair.
First of all, know your sparring partner.
It's not cultural perversity. It's hard-wired. Well before we're born, our brains develop structural and functional differences that affect the way we behave. For instance, women use more than one area in the brain to perform cognitive tasks, like reading a story. Men's brains are larger, but women have more cells in some areas, particularly those that control speech and the generation of language. So women in general not only talk more easily than men do, but have larger vocabularies and can remember the spoken word in much more detail.
Women also have a lot of hard-wiring between the brain and the adrenal glands, which produce the stress hormone cortisol. Men get rid of cortisol very quickly. But in women, it hangs around for a day or so and makes them feel anxious and depressed.
Overall, then, women tend to remember unhappy things in great detail, for a very long time, and talk about them at great length. Unfortunately, their male partner probably won't even remember what they're talking about.
Not a promising situation when you need to work out a problem. Is there any hope for resolution? Sure. Fight it out!
General guide to inter-gender communication
The goal here is to say what you mean so the other guy gets it, and to hear what the other guy says, instead of what you think he means. This can be tricky when one of the guys is a girl (or vice versa). These guidelines should help.
Don't just watch what you say—watch the way you say it.
Listen.
The corollary, of course, is Don't interrupt. You may feel as though you understand, you've got it, you know how to fix it, you want explain, to defend, to apologize . . . Don't. Especially, don't talk over the poor person who's trying to tell you something, for goodness' sake. Try to control yourself and just listen.
Repeat
Rules for a fair fight
- First of all, be clear that your object is to fix a problem, not to defeat an enemy. Either you both win, or you both lose.
- If your partner has a problem, deal with it. Don't stonewall, assume it will blow over, write it off as trivial, or figure it doesn't concern you.
- If you have a problem, ask if your partner is up to talking about it now, or if another time—that same day—would be better. Pick a time that works for both of you.
- Don't generalize. Say specifically what you’re upset about.
- Be brief! Don't repeat the problem three different ways, cite your five-year log of alleged transgressions, or catalogue your partner's culpable flaws.
- Stick to the subject and keep it simple. Don't bury it under a load of excess baggage and tacky souvenirs.
- Don't attack. Instead, explain how you feel. After all, that's what you want to fix. If you put the other guy on the defensive, that's all he'll be able to think about. Say something like "I feel . . ." "I need . . ." "I am . . ." Avoid like the plague "You make me . . ." "You always . . ." "You never . . ." You might as well just haul off and hit 'em upside the head.
- No hitting below the belt. If your partner has a sore spot, you are honor bound to protect it, not poke it.
- No witnesses, seconds, or coaches allowed.
- Stay in the present. Anything over 24 hours old is generally useless.
- Believe what your partner says. Don't flay, dissect, or psychoanalyze it.
- When you present a problem, you should offer a solution. Women, take note: men are solution-oriented. If he takes the trouble to listen to a problem, he'll feel obliged to fix it. If you don't have an idea about how you want to do that, he probably will. Think it through ahead of time.
- Compromise can be comforting.
- Civility never hurts. Try thanking your partner for listening, for being honest with you, for being nonjudgmental.
Seem like a lot of rules?
It's mostly just common sense. Take your time, listen, don't blame your partner, and don't blame yourself. Even if you're feeling really pissed at the moment, think: What you actually want is to make each other feel better, right? You've got a problem to fix. The sooner you fix it, the sooner you get to kiss and make up. what you think you heard, and ask if you got it right. Does that seem obvious, guys? Guys? You listening? Let your partner know that you're paying attention—nod your head; throw in an occasional uh-huh or no way! Showing periodic flickers of life helps to maintain consciousness, and many women find it extremely attractive. Your words may say one thing, but your body language (crossed arms, tapping foot, hands on hips, jutting chin) and facial expressions (scowl, smile, eye contact or lack thereof) may say something else entirely. Keep in mind that the tone of your voice can even reverse the meaning of your words.The latest scientific research has found that male and female brains are different, in structure, operation, and response to stimulation. Men and women even process, recall, and respond to memories differently.