Introduction to Negotiations
I have received mail requesting that I discuss many different subjects. Out of all the mail that I have received, I believe this is THE most important and crucial subject thus far.
The letter that really made Me want to address this immediately was from a bottom/sub that will remain nameless for now. The letter stated more or less that this particular girl and her Top/Dom were not clear on exactly how negotiations worked, what to talk about, how in depth to go, etc. Therefore they're just winging it! They're figuring it out as they go! What's wrong with this picture? What part of this is safe or sane?
The first thing to address here is the reason for negotiations. Why do many of U/us perform negotiations in the first place? My kink is not Y/your kink, right? Perhaps My wild turn-on involving tying up a girl and throwing her in a closet might send My perspective bottom into a nightmarish flashback of when her abusive stepfather locked her in closets when she was a little girl. How do I know that tying her up and throwing her in a closet would be a real mood killer.
How about, oh I don't know . . . negotiations?
The next thing to address is just plain old fashioned communication. How do all relationships work? Communication is the figurative KY in our relationships that keeps the friction down. That was how it was for our grandparents and their grandparents, and that is how it has always been. How else am I supposed to know that My perspective bottom's long time fantasy is to be the subject of a fantasy rape? I'm supposed to read her mind and instantly know this while I'm trying to talk her into playing fire and ice, right?
Here's another reason for negotiations. How about "trust"? Is that a good reason? We as Tops and Doms want Our bottoms and subs to trust Us enough to do all sorts of things to them that might otherwise jeopardize their safety and well being. Heck, that's part of the kick of the whole thing, isn't it? It's a really cool feeling when someone trusts Us enough to put their lives in Our hands! How can they trust Us if We don't know how to keep from breaking that trust? Who wants to scene on egg shells, afraid that the next move might be what sets off a total 180?
Here's how negotiations work in a nutshell, sit down and talk about turn-ons and turn-offs before engaging in play. That's about it.
If you want to know how I perform negotiations, here it is. I meet the perspective bottom/sub/slave. We spend at least a day getting to know each other a bit. We spend at least another day going over a negotiation form. The perspective bottom/sub/slave fills it out, I read it with the perspective bottom/sub/slave several times. I spend the next 2 days studying the negotiation form and periodically asking specifics. After that I will play with her and not before then. Maybe I go too in-depth, perhaps.
However, I can say this, My slave trusts Me entirely with her life. I would rather err on the side of caution.