After The First Time
It was close to six months before I had sex someone whom I’d met through the personals. And having done it, having finally crossed that line, I am glad for the measures I took that were actually my instincts taking over and protecting me.
The man that I had this pleasurable experience with was someone I have been talking to on and off sporadically, about general things, for 2-3 months. We’ve met for lunch four times (over a period of time) and discovered at the end of the third lunch that we unexpectedly liked kissing one another. I don’t know how many people saw us that day, but if you had been in a parking lot in front of a candy store and a restaurant in Fairfield County several weeks ago and saw a brunette BBW and a dark haired, fit man lip-locked, that would have been me. You would have thought: “God, they’re really into it,” and you would have been right!
How can I explain to you the feeling of having a smile all over my face as I drove home that afternoon? It just felt good to feel desirable again. It may sound like a little thing but it’s not for any female who has been celibate for a number of years because her partner at home doesn’t feel sexual towards her.
Several more weeks passed before we saw one another again and when we did, I was a little pulled back because I didn’t want him to expect that we were going to kiss again, even if I did like it. I’m all too familiar with the assumption that males often carry-whether subconsciously or not-that we girls owe them something when things take a sexual turn. No, it is not to be expected that the next time you see me, we are going to do this. This is an assumption that I want no man to have of me. I want the choice to be mine.
So when the invitation came through to have dinner with him at his place, I carefully paid attention to my reaction to his invitation. I felt that the possibility of something happening could exist but only if I wanted to. Knowing that I had this choice made me feel more comfortable in accepting his invitation while even looking forward to it. In this way I was practicing self care.
The details of that night are not to be shared here but the overall experience is. I am a woman who is self-conscious about her size and weight and this deep-rooted insecurity is very much a part of me. It colors much of my life. So it was of vital importance to me that whatever man I’d end up having a sexual experience with, a man I met through the personals without having a relationship with first, actually like my body. Enjoy its BBW size and width and shape and feel. It would make all the difference, I knew...and I was right.