Characteristics of Sex Addiction
The sexual behaviour is shameful. The addict feels shame about what he or she is doing, or more accurately, about what he or she has done, usually immediately after engaging in sex acts that violate some of the person's standards. Or the shame may be denied by calling it normal for "a real man," or by focusing on others: "She wanted it.” Thus a married man may feel remorse after having sex with his best friend's wife, rationalize that his friend wasn't sexually satisfying her, and avoid going to bed with his own wife afterward, all in a vain attempt to deny there is a problem or that he has done anything wrong.
The sexual behaviour is secret. The sex addict more and more comes to live a double life – perhaps well known, respected and admired in his visible life but secretly engaging regularly in sexual acts that would be shocking to those who know and love him. So a sexually addicted minister could be revered on Sunday morning for preaching on the sinfulness of adultery and fornication and then engage in those behaviours himself at a modeling studio or adult bookstore on Monday afternoon, having told the church staff or his family a lie about his whereabouts. Or a gay man might tell his relationship partner that he is going to visit a friend but goes to a park to cruise for anonymous sex instead.
The sexual behaviour is abusive. It violates someone else's choice or exceeds their understanding. There is the man who manipulates or coerces his date into being sexual with him; the woman in a partially unbuttoned blouse who bends down toward an unsuspecting male co-worker and "accidentally" exposes her whole breast; or the man who seeks out crowded shopping malls so he can meander among the throng to "cop a feel." Or adult men and women who manipulate the trust of children and abuse their power over them by tricking them into performing sexual acts with them. The sex may also be abusive to the sex addict, such as masturbating to the point of physical injury or cutting or pinching one’s self for sexual arousal.
The Differing Forms of Sexual Addiction
Sexual addiction can take many different forms. The addict may be addicted primarily to one behaviour, such as sex with a prostitute, but generally uses a variety of sexual behaviours. For example, consider the salesman who might watch the dancers at a topless bar over a business lunch, have sex with a prostitute from an escort service in his hotel room one night while on a business trip, return home and have sex with his wife while fantasizing about the sexual massage he got last month. The list of the forms of sexual addiction would be exhaustive and increases with addicts' need to find new ways of finding sexual thrills.
Another feature of sexual addiction is that it is progressive. That is, the habitual behaviours progressively become more frequent, varied and extreme, with more frequent and extreme consequences. At times when the addiction seems under control, the addict is merely engaging in one of the common traits of the disease process in which he switches from sexual release to the control of it. The control phase inevitably breaks down over time, whether it is in an hour, a week, a month, or a year, and the addict is back in the behaviour again despite his promise to himself or others never to do it again. When the ecstasy of the release is spent, the addict will often feel remorse at his failure and with great resolve will switch back to another period of abstaining from the behaviour until his resolve weakens once again. Without help, this is the way the sexually addicted person lives his or her life.
The Internet has become the newest, most rapidly growing form of sexual acting out for many sex addicts. A lot of sex addicts have added computer sex to their repertoire, as it fills a need for "more, easier and better." For the cyber-sex addict, increasing amounts of time are spent "surfing," downloading, masturbating, reading information posted on sexual bulletin boards, exchanging sexual information live with others in sexual chat rooms or via computer cameras, or directing their own live sex shows on interactive sites. The Internet just happens to provide many of the things sex addict's seek, all in one place: isolation, secrecy, fantasy material, endless variety, around-the-clock availability, instant accessibility, a rapid means of returning, and low or no cost.
Since one of the characteristics of sexual addiction is that it is progressive, sex addicts on the Internet often experience a rapid progression of their addiction. The new sexual thrills lead to spending huge amounts of time, moving more quickly into more extreme behaviours, taking greater risks, and getting caught more frequently. The sped-up progression of the sex addict's problem via the internet can turn into a blessing, since it can move the addict into the consequences more quickly that can cause him or her to get help.