Friday 25 December, 2009Sex through the ages

The psychology of sex for people in their 30s, 40s and 50s. 

JUST as our perception about life changes as we grow older, the same applies to our feelings about sex.  

When we are younger, especially during the period of our sexual awakening, we tend to be ruled by lust, and this tendency seems to carry on as we experience the joys of relationships and sex.  

We may meet our prospective life partners during this period and amidst rivers of sexual intimacy and love, we plan for our futures and start raising our families. 

“While sex may seem to be the most important thing in the world when you’re younger, our perceptions about it may change when a woman hits her 30s.  

“She’s probably a few years into a committed relationship and has settled into a sexual routine of sorts. The first flush of sexual excitement has died and she may have a young family, one of the factors that tends to affect female sexual desire,” said Australian sex therapist and relationship counsellor Dr Rosie King.  

She explained: “Humans tend to experience a phenomenon called skin hunger, a craving for skin-to-skin contact. This acts as a powerful motivator of sexual activity.  

“For women with young children, this skin hunger is met by regular contact with the children. The same does not apply to men as they tend to not be as involved in the care of young children. As a result of this, their main avenue to fulfil skin hunger is still sex.’’ 

As to be expected, women with young families also tend to lack sleep and have to deal with privacy issues. “These factors have an inhibiting effect on sexual desire. The 30s would undoubtedly be the time when there is a great desire discrepancy between men and women,” Dr King said. 

She added that many marriages are strained as a result of desire discrepancy. “Because a woman’s sexual desire is low, the wheels may fall off in the relationship. The relationship may become toxic as while he chases her, she withdraws from him.  

“Indeed, parenting is probably the biggest challenge to a woman’s sexuality in her 30s and sets a tremendous challenge to many marriages,” she said. 

In a couple in their 40s, the challenges differ. “This is the point when men tend to be career-focused while women are preoccupied with their growing families and careers. Because couples tend not to focus on their relationships, there is a danger that they will drift apart. There is often less time to talk, what more issues of affection and sex,” Dr King said. 

She says that couples in their 40s should make time for sex at least once a week or fortnight – even if they don’t experience a high level of sexual desire.  

“The sexual contact will be good for the marriage as the couple spends some intimate time together. There is a saying ‘If you don’t use it, you lose it’ and one should remember that regular sexual activity facilitates sexual functions,” she said, adding that medical conditions such as erectile dysfunction (ED) may also rear its ugly head when a man is in his 40s.  

As a man hits his 50s, he may begin to question his masculinity as it is harder to achieve an erection, which at this stage of his life is less firm.  

Indeed, his days of achieving a Grade 4 erection may be far behind him – at least without the aid of medical treatment.  

“The Pfizer Global Better Sex Survey indicates that there is a strong association between erection hardness and sexual satisfaction, so this could be a fragile time for the relationship.  

“While worrying about this, the man would also have to deal with less intense orgasms and a longer recovery period,” she said, adding that while a young man takes an average of 19 minutes before he is good to go again, a 55-year-old man may take anything from 24 hours to a week. 

For women, the 50s is a time when there may be changes in the balance of relationships. “Couples find themselves in an empty house while work pressures may increase.  

“For some, life may be easier but this is usually the time when the impact of menopause is felt. This is hardly a pleasant situation and these women must have the patience and understanding support of their husbands,” Dr King said. 

To keep the relationship on track – no matter what age bracket a couple falls into – it would be important to constantly communicate with each other.  

“Communication is key if a couple hopes to remain close. It not only acts as a sexual enhancer for women but keeps the relationship strong as the couple talk about their greatest fears and desires,” Dr King said.