Thursday 17 September, 2009Stepping Forward

A close friend of mine came to visit me yesterday and she brought with her the news that she had taken the initiative and made a phone call to a long held-close-to-the-heart love.  She was alternately excited and then apprehensive, glad she had called and then wondering if she hadn’t. I watched her moods shift from excitement of the possibilities to fear of the what-ifs; and in the end, I told her to applaud her courage in speaking up since the end result was that they were going to meet, then enjoy the good feelings and leave it at that. And do you know, that was hard for her to do.

Do men do this? I honestly don’t know. But I know its something that a lot of us women do-drive ourselves crazy when it comes to second guessing ourselves and our behavior around men. Should we have, dare we, maybe I shouldn’t have, what if he…the cycle of spinning ourselves into a tizzy because we lose our moment of boldness is a common one to us women who have spent a great part of our lives trying to figure out what is the right way in approaching relationships. 

In my friend’s case, she has been twice divorced, the second time from a man who scared her in many ways. Living on the edge all the time, having been put down over the years and having her self-esteem permanently corroded, she struggles to earn her own self-respect while being cautious to making good decisions in the future.  She is a very intelligent woman and a fun one to be around, but when it comes to how to behave around men, she jumps backward and forward in behavior. It’s a common reaction that women have who have had a tumultuous relationship with a difficult male over a long period of time, and I understand it well. All behaviors make perfect sense, really, once you find out where the inner wounds come from.

Watching my friend experience the ups and downs of her making that phone call to her long time love made me wonder: when exactly, do we ever feel at ease with how we act around men? For I’ve seen far too many of us change whenever a male comes around: I suppose that is just natural. But I am not talking about fifteen year old girls here: all the women I know are in their forties plus. Does it stay with us always?

I, for one, also do this behavior though I fight inwardly with myself whenever I sense it coming on. I fight to remain myself, I fight to keep him human, I fight to respond the same way as I would with a woman. It’s a tough thing to do and it takes a lot of practice but it is necessary, I feel, for us women who are trying to heal inwardly, that we not make men to be anything more than just that-just another human being.