Sunday 27 September, 2009That’s It

I know two couples, both of whom have been married for thirty years. For the first couple, the male is 60 and the woman 58. They have two children. For the second couple, the male is 52, the woman 53.  They have four children.

Then there’s me. I’m single, divorced and the mother of one. I have been in a live-in, long-term relationship for the past eleven years. I’m 45.

I know the first couple has sex. I don’t know how often but they do. I know the second couple has sex. I don’t know how often but it seems to be on the upswing at the moment, which delights the wife to no end.  I don’t have sex. I want to. But he doesn’t.

I’m still not quite sure if it’s because he’s not attracted to plus size women or if he’d be this way with someone his height and petite. He says he’d be this way with that type, too, but I have a hard time believing that.

Once it was spoken that the lack of sex was a result of the lack of desire and attraction towards my body (which to me conflicts with what he has said above), I slowly allowed his lack of sexual interest to seep into me and feel more shame than ever that I am the plus size that I am. I tried losing weight very earnestly, a few times, to shift our relationship and open it up; but even my desire to develop a sexual relationship with him (with all the affection that would come along with that) wasn’t enough to stop me from compulsive overeating, which is what I do.

To tell you the truth, there’s a part of me that isn’t surprised that, while living with him, I have grown to my highest in size and weight, ever.

His unattracted-ness to me has been hell on my feelings as woman, but I’m starting to move away from that now. I’m slowly learning that even if he’s not attracted to me physically-which basically translates to me that he finds my body ugly-does not have to mean that I am unappealing, sexless or undesirable.

Perhaps this is a no-brainer to some of you. You might even laugh and think: “what’s wrong with her?” But for someone who like me, and there are others like me, this has been a difficult mind-thought to change.

How many of us have walked around for what feels like eons of Time, believing that if only our bodies were more beautiful, the love in our lives would come rushing in and be all shiny and clean and good? There are so many others who feel this way that the older I get, the more it alternately saddens me and pisses me off.

Women should not be judged by the amount of body fat that is on their bodies any more than a man should be judged for the length and size of his penis. That’s it.


For the first couple, the male is 60 and the woman 58. They have two children. For the second couple, the male is 52, the woman 53. They have four children.