Thursday 25 June, 2009The Steps to Online Dating

The first step in online dating is to actually make the decision to place an ad. For some people, particularly for those who are attached, even considering the thought of placing an ad is a step that often took several months of flipping back and forth until something pushed us, at last, to placing an ad.

What pushed us? The usual: extreme dissatisfaction in the present relationship. Feelings of  being fed up at having waited what we feel to be ‘long enough’ for the other person to show some sexual interest in us; or we just got lonely enough one night or pissed off enough one night to say ‘fuck it’ and we plunked down our credit card. Whatever the push was to get us here, that was only a part of the process.

The second step is in the actual writing of the ad. This can be a real challenge. The reason for this is that there are many mixed emotions that come to the surface when you are  trying to put down in words what you are looking for, what you are wanting, and what you are needing. 

Oftentimes feelings of guilt and remorse and self-judgment come into play. But eventually the ad gets written and posted.

The third step is in sending and receiving emails. At first just receiving them, no matter how many or how few of them are, excites you. It’s fun to receive letters of interest from men or women who desire you when the one at home doesn’t! But you’ll find as you spend some time reading them and clicking on to the other person’s profile to see if you have any further interest in meeting them, that you start eliminating the ones that make you feel very little while at the same time, you’re also picking out the emails that do interest you.

The fourth step is moving into corresponding, often called ‘chatting’. It is here that you will gain more detail and get a feel into what the person you are conversing with is really looking for; but you will also find, much to your surprise, that your own ideas and feelings may start a sifting process that you were not prepared for, and often what you thought you had initially wanted, you no longer do. Here is where you start really focusing on your self and what feels comfortable to you. 

The fifth step is meeting. And just as before, when you first made the decision to finally place an ad, emotions of trepidation and excitement, guilt and remorse, fear of being found out combined with nervous anticipation that something really good might be in the making, all simultaneously swirl together and tumble about within you as you approach the meeting date. They feel like any first date.

The sixth step?  Choosing who you feel comfortable to “cross the line with.” Never let anyone push you. This is completely your choice.

And the seventh step? Once you choose--Enjoy yourself!!