Friday 24 July, 2009Toss Out the “How To’s”

With all the advice on the market in book form, CD’s and videos about how to have a relationship, it’s my opinion that one thing that is missing sometimes from people’s consciousness is that: these are only tools. A relationship is about the workings of two people interacting with one another and should not be viewed as a “how to” manual.

There are workshops and seminars happening all the time the world over offering advice on the do’s and don’t in learning how to ‘have a relationship.’

Books carry titles that vow that if you learned the ways that they write about, that this time your relationship will improve (or you’ll snag the one that you’ve been staring at from afar.)

Magazines flood the markets and news stands with titles such as: “Try these 7 sure-fire tips that will get that (man or woman) in your life turned on!”  Even clothing manufacturers and product marketing is all geared towards you picking the ‘right’ one which is a most definite ‘do’ if you want to attract the man or woman of your dreams. I really wish these people would give it a rest.

While there is much helpful and good information floating around out there about relationships, people shouldn’t be made to feel that unless they talk in this way or say something in that way, or do this at this time but not at that time, that their relationship skills are zero and that they’ll never end up with somebody.

A lot of people feel that one reason they fail at having a healthy relationship is because they can’t “get” what the rules are-that they seem to change every day and really, they do. With so much contradictory information, they feel overwhelmed and confused as to which advice to follow.

Humans are not machines in spite of possessing similarities. A relationship can not be set up like a business partnership. What if you read all the rules of what you “should be doing” but your partner or potential partner isn’t? Do you get mad then, when they are “not doing it right?” Do you think they don’t care about you, then? What’s going on here?

A relationship is a creative and evolving experience whereby two individuals craft their particular way of relating with one another. In approaching a relationship in this manner, there isn’t the need to adhere to do’s or don’ts or any other such guidelines that might actually hinder the interaction between you two.

If both people (not machines) are willing to participate and are engaged in the growth and interaction of the relationship, then amazing things can happen. If we tend to play by whatever ‘rules’ are popular at the time, it’s a sure bet that one of the people in the relationship is not going to follow the outline at some point…and this is going to cause suffering. We’re not here to suffer from our interactions with one another. We’re here to love, to grow, to experience.