Sunday 8 February, 2009What celebrities say about sex

They may be rich and famous, but celebrities seem to have at least as much trouble with sex and romance as the rest of us do. We want to hear all about it, too. It makes us feel better to know that even the gifted and glamorous struggle to get it right. So, even on their off days, the show must go on!

The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life. ~ Glenda Jackson, actress and politician

Not every celebrity faces the spotlight with such equanimity, but a lot of them are just as resourceful.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. ~ Woody Allen, actor, author, screenwriter, and film director

I'm too shy to express my sexual needs, except over the phone to people I don't know. ~ Garry Shandling, comedian

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand! ~ Woody Allen, again

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure. ~ Thomas S. Szasz, psychiatrist

I think people should be free to engage in any sexual practices they choose; they should draw the line at goats, though. ~ Elton John, singer, composer, and pianist

All creatures must learn to coexist. That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives in harmony. Of course, they can't mate, or the mice would explode. ~ Betty White, actress

Love will find a lay. ~ Robert Byrne, musician

When resourcefulness fails, however, celebrities wax philosophical. After all, It is more fun contemplating somebody else's navel than your own. ~ Arthur Hoppe, journalist (1926-2000)

Sex is like air: it's not important unless you aren't getting any. ~ Anonymous 

Familiarity breeds attempt. ~ Goodman Ace, humorist (1899-1982)

Sex is an emotion in motion. ~ Mae West, actress (1892-1980)

For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel and cook. ~ Quentin Crisp, actor and writer

Sex is like washing your face-just something you do because you have to. Sex without love is absolutely ridiculous. Sex follows love, it never precedes it. ~ Sophia Loren, actress

Sex without love is an empty experience. But as empty experiences go, its one of the best. ~ Woody Allen, one more time

Sex lies at the root of life, and we can never learn to reverence life until we know how to understand sex. ~ Havelock Ellis, psychologist and author (1859-1939)

Sex is a conversation carried out by other means. If you get on well out of bed, half the problems of bed are solved. ~ Peter Ustinov, actor, writer, and director (1921-2004)

Sex isn't the answer. Sex is the question, yes is the answer. ~ AJ McLean, singer

Philosophy doesn't work for everybody, though. Some grow cynical

Men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach theirs at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? ~ Rita Rudner, writer and comedian

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible. ~ PJ O'Rourke, political commentator, writer, and humorist

When the authorities warn you of the dangers of having sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. ~ Matt Groening, cartoonist

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it? ~ Bette Midler, singer and actress

Kissing is a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. ~ René Yasenek, writer

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship. ~ Sharon Stone, actress

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. ~ Billy Crystal, actor and comedian

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. ~ Robert DeNiro, actor and director

Vasectomy means not ever having to say you're sorry. ~ Larry Adler, musician (1914-2001)

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married. ~ George Burns, actor and comedian (1896-1996)

Ah, yes, divorce. From the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. ~ Robin Williams, actor and comedian

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by an attractive middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for, later in life. ~ Elmo Phillips, evidently known primarily for this quote

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. ~ Steve Martin, actor, comedian, and author

Others are simply confused

Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them! ~ Jerry Falwell, fundamentalist Baptist preacher and founder of the "Moral Majority"

Um, is that technically possible? Maybe we should all just lighten up.

Really, sex and laughter do go very well together, and I wondered-and I still do-which is more important. ~ Hermione Gingold, actress (1897-1987)

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. ~ Woody Allen (one last time)

You mean we can't do both at once?