Sunday 15 February, 2009Yummy, yummy, yummy, I got love in my tummy . . .

Feeling peckish? Uh-huh. How about a nibble that will knock your socks off, warm your cockles, and titill your ate? Or maybe that should be thrill your mate.

New kind of wonder-whammo über-energy power bar, you ask? Nah. Horny goatweed. Or perhaps tiger penis, powdered rhinoceros horn, or raw turtle eggs with salt and lime juice would be more to your liking. There's no accounting for taste.

No telling which one will do the trick for you, either. For thousands of years, people have tried practically everything under the sun to make sex better, bigger, more. Anything they could swallow or sniff, if succeeded by a superior roll in the hay, became known as an aphrodisiac.

Aphrodite—ancient Greek goddess of love and beauty—gave her name to sexual pleasures (aphrodisia). Aphrodesiacs are simply agents that arouse or are thought to arouse sexual desire.

They come in two flavors. External (psychophysiological) aphrodesiacs are mainly sensual: visual, tactile, olfactory, and aural. Magic spells, if you're so inclined, belong in this category. Internal (chemical) agents include food, alcoholic drinks, drugs, love potions, and medical preparations.

Do they work? The US Food and Drug Administration doesn't think so. It's official: the FDA says that the reputed sexual effects of "so-called aphrodisiacs" are based on folklore, not fact, and there is no scientific proof that any over-the-counter aphrodisiacs work to treat sexual dysfunction.

Testing them scientifically is tough. For most people, the brain runs the show (or so we like to think . . .). Convince it that a certain substance is a potent aphrodisiac, and it may well instruct the body to respond accordingly, even if the stuff has no actual physical influence at all. That would be the placebo effect, one of those aforementioned psychophysiological reactions.

A few well-known aphrodisiacs have been treated to clinical study, however, or their active components have been analyzed.

Muira puama, "potency wood," comes from the Amazon rainforest. Natives along the Brazilian Rio Negro use the stems and roots from young plants as a tonic to treat neuromuscular problems, impotence, poor sexual performance, and diminished vitality. Clinical research indicates that muira puama may be more effective for impotence than the prescription drug yohimbine hydrochloride, without side effects.

Yohimbine, obtained from the bark of a West African tree, has been used as an aphrodisiac for centuries in Africa and West India. Research shows that it dilates the blood vessels, which increases blood flow to the extremities, and it also acts on nerve centers in the spine that control erection. It's been used in the West for more than a hundred years for the treatment of erectile dysfunction. But the FDA has only gone so far as to call the results of preliminary animal studies "encouraging."

Epimedium is the proper name for horny goatweed—also known perversely as barrenwort, bishop's hat, and fairy wings and, in China, as yin yang huo, This flowering plant is native to southern Europe and central, southern, and eastern Asia. The active ingredient in horny goatweed is icariin, which works by relaxing the smooth muscle surrounding blood vessels and allowing more blood to flow to the genitals.

"Spanish fly" is legendary for its sexy effect, but beware! It is NOT an aphrodisiac. It is NOT safe (more than a miniscule amount can be fatal). It's not even made from flies. It's a ground up, bright green blister beetle, native to central and southern Europe, called cantharis. It simply irritates and inflames the genitals and urinary tract, It's sometimes given to farm animals to encourage them to breed. It's also been used throughout history as a deadly poison. It's illegal in the US (except for animal husbandry). Products with the name "Spanische Fliege" are available in Germany, but the active ingredient is a homeopathic dosage, diluted almost to the point of nonexistence.

Anyway, Spanish fly smells and tastes nasty. And the others need to be prepared just so, in order for the body to be able to use them. Muira puama, for instance, doesn't work if you take it in a capsule or pill. The active parts don't dissolve in water or break down in the stomach; so you have to get it as a properly prepared tincture or else boil the bark yourself for 20 minutes in alcohol.

Food and drink; perfume, massage oil, candles, and music—heck, magic spells and love potions—are all a lot more fun than bitter herbs and beetle parts, tonics and pills. But, you may still want to know: do they work?

Bottom line? If you need something to fix a physical problem, such as erectile dysfunction, you aren't looking for an aphrodisiac anyway. A guy with ED can still be horny as, well, goatweed and amorous as all get-out. An aphrodisiac is meant to arouse desire, not repair damage. Think of it as a software program, and the body as the hardware. So, if candlelight, soft music, and a plateful of raw oysters make you feel all warm and tingly, then the program/s been successfully installed.

And consider this: If a clinically proven, FDA-approved wonder drug does its job (ups the RAM, so to speak), but you don't think it helps (the software's missing)—does it matter? But a glass or two of Amarone della Valpolicella flows right, straight to there . . . Do you think it's working?

Yum.